pearls from the deep

Recent struggles of hate and division within our country have me once again reflecting on how hidden wounds never heal, but fester and spread infection until the pain can no longer be ignored or contained. This happens both on an individual as well as on a larger corporate level. Ignoring painful situations and feelings only contributes to a state of denial and numbness.

I learned early on in life which feelings were appropriate, and which were not. Much of my emotional pain was discounted, and I readily learned to stuff that pain, ignoring it until it would surface at times that just didn’t make sense. This is what suppressed pain will do, and sometimes it makes us numb when we would more appropriately have an emotional response.

Over the past few years I’ve been working to peel back the layers of defenses built to protect my shattered heart – defenses that ultimately kept me from trusting, knowing and feeling. As the layers have reluctantly been peeled away there’s been a growing dread of a felt core pain. Getting to this pain has been exhausting, and while I do not yet know all the answers or lessons it has to teach, I’ve identified it as “the pain beyond all pain”. This is a poem I wrote explaining it:

There is a pain, beyond all pain,

that rarely comes to light.

It surfaces in pressured times,

when breath is hard to find.

It hides behind the surface smile

that I am apt to wear.

Retreat is oft how I respond,

when it’s too much to bear.

Compelled to run away from it,

but when I turn and see,

that it’s still here in hidden things,

remaining deep in me.

It’s source I know not where it’s from,

or when its start was born,

but it has ever deepened when

I’ve pushed it down ignored.

The irony is that the pain

has gifts all of its own.

Or maybe this is how the seeds

of wisdom’s light are grown.

I see a little deeper now,

I hear the softest breath,

I feel the presence of the pain,

its texture and its depth.

Unable yet to fathom just 

how deeply underneath,

the seas of my forgetfulness,

it lies beyond my reach.

The only way to hold it now,

its lessons come to bear,

in silence resting, without sound,

I wait for it to share.

                                     ~Trish

In my last post I explained that I wanted to move into this year by doing things that are life-giving. In order to do that, I first needed to explore my heart and passions a bit to discover what those things are!

Growing up in Oklahoma, my family made annual road-trips to Casper, Wyoming and St. Louis, Missouri, where my grandparents lived. These destinations reflected the likes and passions of my parents – my father who loved the outdoors and my mother who loved the city. Growing up, I learned to love both and still do. I love living in a big multi-cultural and multi-ethnic city like Houston; its restaurants, coffee-shops, museums, ART, the people!  And I also love the big, beautiful outdoors of God’s creation, although it can be a little hard to enjoy at this time of year in Houston. LOL

In recent years, God has returned me to my love of poetry and writing. Years ago I practiced these for personal enjoyment, but left them behind only to access once in a while as I assisted my children in homeschooling and editing papers. Lately though, I’ve discovered that writing poetry gives me life, and helps to process difficult and painful emotions. Often, the poems begin as laments, but end with hope in His power and love.

The following poem was written about ten days before I felt impressed to start a blog. It references pearls from the deep, and expresses my hope that these words might reflect God’s love and touch your heart.

For all our days, in all the ways,

Your beauty fills the earth,

The skies above, the seas below,

give glory of new birth.

Mysterious times of suffering mine,

the pain oft overwhelms,

But opening eyes, and ears that hear,

Your Presence deeper felt.

Pearls from the deep are gathered now,

no other way to know,

Your deepest love birthed in my heart,

in brokenness doth glow.

A vessel filled of purest spring,

Eternal love and light,

live in me now and pour forth love,

to others craving light.

~ Trish

 

 

 

At the end of  last year, I reflected on what the past year had held, and what the new year might bring.  Some people choose a special word for the new year to be their intention, or make a myriad of “do better” resolutions, and in the past I’ve done both. But this year, instead of making any sort of specific resolution, I decided to intentionally engage in life-giving activities at least once a month.

Among several things that make me feel awake and alive is engaging with art – going to art museums, learning about different art techniques, meeting artists and listening to their stories and the processes of their expressions – I love it all.  I also started spending time exploring my own creative expression in workshops with a local artist in her downtown studio.

It was in one of these workshops that I first heard the music of the group Sleeping At Last.  One particular song performed by this group, titled “I’ll Keep You Safe” spoke volumes to me at a time when I was learning how to feel emotionally safe with the Holy Spirit. That’s a topic for another blog post. . . but there’s a verse within this song that says “As you build up your collection of pearls that you pull from the deep”.  I considered what these pearls from the deep were in my own life, and knew that they are those bits of truth and insights that can only be discovered and known through surviving trials, and learning to appreciate the gifts those trials bring.

Remembering that a pearl is created within a mollusk whenever a source of irritation enters into the shell, it’s this source of irritation that eventually becomes something of beauty and worth.  The very thing that caused pain is transformed into a gemstone.  This in no way is meant to glorify pain, ugh.  But in God’s purposes and plans, our trials can be transformed into things of beauty, and I know He loves to do this when we trust and rest in Him. This is what I continue to learn.

Just tonight I looked up a link on YouTube for the song I earlier referred to, and found this, I’ll Keep You Safe . Until now, I didn’t realize this song was part of the movie Up, but I do remember this segment being a tear-jerker. So keep that in mind if you decide to listen!

Until next time, try to take a few moments to consider the pearls in your own life,

~ Trish

It has been said that timing is everything. Or that the timing is perfect.

Whatever those two phrases might mean, I know that I’ve long considered the idea of blogging, but for various reasons (i.e. vulnerability!), the idea has simply remained in the back of my mind.  That is, until a couple of weeks ago.  I woke up one morning, wrote in my journal, and decided that now is the time to begin a blog.  I have a few things to share that might help others on a similar journey, and I have learned that gifts of insight and understanding are given to be shared and not kept to oneself. I myself have been the recipient of shared insights from other people – friends, authors, artists.  If you, the reader, find something here that encourages you, comforts you, or helps you on your journey, then I am delighted! If however, these words don’t resonate with you, then that’s okay too. After all, this might be the right timing, but my blog will most certainly not be “everything”, nor will it be “perfect”.

Welcome to pearls from the deep – reflections on gifts discovered through trials.